


I Like You, I Just Don't Like This

by tittysatan



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: I wrote this ages ago and figured I should just post it already, M/M, Repressed Memories, Trauma, Trauma-induced sex repulsion, asexual killua, gon doesn't quite get it but he's trying his best, very oblique mentions of (possible) incest c/o illumi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-06
Updated: 2019-07-06
Packaged: 2020-06-22 06:33:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19661776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tittysatan/pseuds/tittysatan
Summary: Killua likes Gon and he likes that Gon likes him; what he doesn't like is the memories that threatens to unbury.





	I Like You, I Just Don't Like This

Killua didn’t like to think about the past.

His memories weren’t repressed so much as censored, large swathes covered over with black marks, shoved away somewhere deep and dusty in his mind. Sensitive information. Too dangerous to think about, because if he actually thought about it whatever mechanisms kept him running would all break in an instant.

He didn’t know what he’d do if that happened, whether he’d become the perfect empty doll his family wanted him to be or if he’d kill every last one of them or if he’d kill himself. He didn’t want to know. So Killua didn’t think about it. Any of it. 

It wasn’t until he was playing video games one night and realized abruptly and with dizzying nausea that he couldn’t remember a single thing about his training. There was nothing but vague, blurry sensations of pain and exhaustion, his father’s voice, his brother’s eyes. All those years, and he couldn’t remember a thing.

The pause screen was glowing in the empty room when Killua left, pushed open the heavy gates, ran and ran down the mountain because all of a sudden he was filled with the absolute certainty that if he stayed there one second longer it would kill him. 

He took the first train leaving the station without looking at where it was headed. Staring out the window at the moonlit forests and plains as they rushed by, he happened to overhear someone talking about the Hunter Exam, saying he was headed there.

Sure, Killua thought. The Hunter Exam. Why not. He hadn’t expected anything of it, just something to do to kill time.

And then.

And then, Gon.

Killua couldn’t put it into words, at least not without feeling sappy and ridiculous and like he’d be struck down for even daring to think things like that about someone. So he didn’t.

Like waking up from a long, long nightmare, he didn’t think.

Like the sun rising, like coming home, like crossing the border and just for a moment daring, stupidly, to believe that you’re free.

Like happiness.

Like friendship.

Like love.

Killua didn’t think any of these things while he was with Gon, but it didn’t stop his chest from filling with warmth whenever the other boy smiled at him. It seemed as though he was always smiling, and somehow, Killua always seemed to be smiling back. The sun was brighter when they were together. 

* * *

The futons smelled like salt air. It was nice. Killua was with Gon in Gon’s bedroom, futons next to each other, not daring to look at him because what if he was looking back? Killua didn’t know what he’d do if their eyes met. 

“Hey, Killua,” Gon said, just a little too loudly to be called a whisper. “Have you ever kissed?”

Killua’s chest was tight, he couldn’t get his words out, he should know the answer to that question and it should be no but he wasn’t sure he did or that it was.

“I mean, I haven’t,” Gon continued. “I’m kinda curious though, y’know? Like people make such a big deal about it and all.”

There were memories he couldn’t quite place, of being in bed with Illumi, long slender fingers stroking his hair, soft lilting voice murmuring something. That was all. Except instead of it being warm or comforting, even brushing up against the thought filled him with a sharp, dizzying nausea.

“It seems a little messy to me, honestly,” Gon laughed. “Tongues and stuff. But not in a bad way, I guess? And it must be nice if everyone loves it so much.”

What happened to him that night, what was he forgetting? Were there other nights? How many? What did Illumi _do?_

“...hey, Killua, are you awake?” Gon said, poking gently at his arm. Killua couldn’t help but jolt like he’d been burned, tangling himself in the blankets as he scrambled around to face him. 

“Sorry,” Killua said without knowing why, eyes wide, unable to look away from Gon’s puzzled gaze. “...sorry.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“...I know I’m not smart, but I’m not _that_ stupid.”

“I’m fine, alright?” Killua said, tearing his eyes away to stare down at the futon. “Just… Seriously, I’m okay, alright?”

“Killuaaaaaaaa--” Gon said, shaking him by the shoulder. “Tell me what’s wrooooong--”

All Killua wanted was for Gon to stop asking so he could shove everything back into the dark. He wasn’t thinking when he put a hand on his shoulder and pressed their lips together. Both their eyes were open. Gon’s surprised noise was muffled by the kiss. Then Killua pulled back, blushing. “I told you, I’m fine.”

Gon was blinking at him, mouth hanging open, lips shining faintly. “...can we do that again?”

It wasn’t… It hadn’t been bad. Killua liked Gon. He liked that Gon wanted to kiss him, he liked the way Gon was looking at him. He wanted him to keep looking at him like that. And it would be alright, wouldn’t it? This was Gon, he’d never do anything bad, not that Killua knew what he meant by ‘anything bad.’ There was nothing to be afraid of. It was just kissing.

So Killua leaned in and kissed him again. He didn’t resist as Gon wrapped his arms around him and pulled him over onto his futon, lying on his back and staring up at the ceiling as the other boy kissed him. Upper lip, lower lip, biting gently, light kisses down his jaw, his throat, then lips again, pushing his mouth open with his tongue. Clumsy and enthusiastic, just like everything else Gon did. He was getting so into it. It was really cute how into it he was getting. 

Had Illumi kissed him like this?

Gon stopped, pulling back, as Killua shuddered. “Killua, what’s wrong?” he asked, big clear brown eyes full of concern.

“I keep telling you, nothing’s wrong,” he said, fighting to keep his breath level. 

“...don’t you like me?” 

“Of course I like you…!” Killua said before he could stop himself, grabbing Gon’s soft, callused hands, the same size as his when you measured palm to palm. “...I do, I mean it,” he said, feeling his face flush, gaze dropping back to the futon, too scared to see the look on Gon’s face. He didn’t let go of his hands, though. “It’s not you, I promise, I just… I don’t like _this,"_ he said before he could stop himself. “...I’m sorry, I’m really happy that you like me like that, and I… I _want_ to be able to kiss you, but I _can’t._ ” Gon would hate him for saying no, he'd leave, Killua would lose him, but he couldn't just let this happen again. He'd already lost too much.

But Gon gave his hands a squeeze, and when Killua looked up to meet his eyes they were free of the hurt and disappointment he’d been so sure would be there. “No, I’m sorry,” he said. “If I knew you weren’t gonna like it I wouldn’t have said anything, sorry…”

“...I’m glad you did,” Killua said, squeezing his hands back. “I’m serious, I’m really happy! But can we just, I dunno… Can you just hold me?” His heart was pounding out of his chest. Gon didn't… He wasn't angry. He didn't hate him for this.

Gon smiled like the sun coming up and pulled him into his arms, nuzzling into the crook of his neck.

“...sorry,” Killua said again.

“I don’t mind,” Gon said, holding him tighter. “I like this too, y’know?”

He meant it, didn’t he. Killua said no and Gon _listened_ , and that shouldn’t have been such a big deal but somehow Killua was certain that for everything he’d forgotten, this was the first time anyone had ever stopped when he said no. 

He was never going back.

He hadn’t let himself even think it before because he’d been terrified that somehow they’d _know,_ that Illumi would come and drag him back and punish him for daring to think he could ever be anything but a Zoldyck, but he couldn’t. Not after this, not after knowing how it felt to be treated like a person instead of a tool. 

This was home, here in Gon’s arms.


End file.
